


Put That Meme Back Where It Came From or So Help Me

by SundancerForLife



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, But they also love him?, Crack, Domestic Avengers, Endgame hurt my feelings, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone is just done with Peter's shit at this point, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I Don't Even Know, It's a wierd dynamic but, Just me having fun, M/M, Memes, SO, Vines, What are ya gonna do, fuck her, gen z kids, honestly, kinf of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-20 22:49:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19386106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SundancerForLife/pseuds/SundancerForLife
Summary: “It’s Mr. Spider-Baby to you.” Peter said as he broke off from the suit he was attached to. He shot a web grenade at the bots trying to push out of the van. He used another web to keep one door open and one door closed. “Okay, Mr. Clint. It’s a tight window and I have a very vague idea of whether it’s going to spin or not. Can you hit it?”“Just throw it, kid. Leave the targeting to the professional.” Peter grinned.“Whatever you say.” He lifted the van from the bottom and spun, trying to gain momentum. He suddenly yelled, “This bitch empty- YEET!”Or the one where Peter is just a stereotypical Gen Z kid and is constantly reminding everyone around him of that fact.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey kids!
> 
> So, this is literally me just taking incorrect quotes/vines/memes I see and applying them to Peter Parker's Life™.
> 
> It's self-indulgent and I know I keep saying it but Endgame REALLY hurt my feelings. Endgame was a good movie, but given that it was also a STUPID ass movie, I've elected to ignore it.
> 
> ALSO if you have an idea about a pop-culture reference you'd like me to use please comment and let me know! I have soooooooo many ideas so idk how long this will be. But I'm rolling with it.
> 
> So in this fic, which is like totally Crack and fluff, I’ll clarify a few things:  
> -Peter and Shuri are Science Bros™.  
> -Wanda is around Peter and Shuri’s age (I don’t know her actual age, just that she’s on the younger side “I didn’t carbon date her”)  
> -Civil War kind of happened, but instead of the fucking TRAIN WRECK in Siberia, Steve came forward an explained everything, gave the evidence to incriminate the Real douche, told Tony about the Winter Soldier and Tony’s parents, and Steve acted like an Actual Adult™ instead of being a child and running off like an idiot.  
> -Shuri visits the Tower a lot because she has friends who are self-sacrificial idots and she wants to make sure the technology is Way Super Good (And Tony Stark is grateful)

Peter was the youngest of the Avengers, and everyone is aware of the fact.

 

It was sometimes easy to forget, especially with how good he was out in field. He’d easily take out aliens, robots and any other of the Big Bads that tried to take on the world’s greatest defenders.

 

Spider-Man would swing in, do his part _impressively_ , and anyone watching wouldn’t think he was a 15-year-old kid who would chide their enemies on ‘cutting into my study time, dude, I have a _Calc test_ tomorrow, have a little sympathy’.

 

He would deliver witty quips and simultaneously put a dent in the amount of threats they faced, punching drones out the sky with enough force to put a crater in the ground and actually having to hold back on his punches sometimes with his enhanced strength.

 

So yeah, it was easy to forget the kid behind the mask was, in fact, a _kid_.

 

And then there were times like this.

 

Tony had called the kid in on a Saturday morning, deeming the situation not-deadly and more of a nuisance than anything. Peter had been happy to oblige, putting on the suit before the call had even ended and clambering out his window.

 

As he webbed his way down West 42nd towards Madison Avenue, he smiled beneath his mask. Days like this, soaring through the air and heading towards a fight with the _Avengers_ , Peter was so happy he couldn’t think of anything else. Not school, not petty thieves and muggers; just the wind rushing past him as he tried to spot the fight.

 

“Hey kid, I’m patching you through to comms.” Tony said, and then Peter’s ears were filled with a cacophony of sounds. Grunts, yells, thuds and the like came through, and Peter _still_ grinned.

 

“What’s up everyone?” Peter asked happily. “Where’s the party?”

 

“Keeping going towards Madison Square, you’ll see us.” Steve said, sounding strained. Peter flew in from the right and landed next to him.

 

“Hey Cap, need a hand?” Peter asked, shooting a web at a bot that was gearing up to blast the super soldier. He yanked and the metal was thrown into a tree, parts flying out around it.

 

“Yeah, I need you to stay high, keep an eye out for us on the ground.” He replied, throwing his shield at another robot and catching it as it raced back towards them.

 

“Sure thing!” He said, shooting a web at the nearest building and hoisting himself up. He spotted a drone flying in his direction and flipped midair, landing on it and using the momentum to jump to the roof. He spotted Hawkeye on a roof close to his and smiled. “Hey Mr. Clint!”

 

“Hey kid, ditching class?” He replied through the comms. Peter rolled his eyes.

 

“It’s literally Saturday, I _know_ you know that.” Peter looked down and watched as Tony and Rhodey blasted the bots left and right. They seemed to be multiplying- for every bot they destroyed another two popped up from somewhere.

 

“I don’t know about your tech nerd school. Saturday classes aren’t exactly a stretch.” He shot an arrow at a small cluster of drones, which promptly exploded.

 

“Well, no school today.” Peter replied, searching for anything that might give him a clue as to where the robots were coming from. He kept looking, trying to find _anything_ \- “There!”

 

“Elaborate, Spider-Baby. Use your words.” Tony replied. Peter rolled his eyes again.

 

“Down towards the edge of the park- the van, it’s like a portal or something.” Peter answered. “Every thirty seconds another few come through, and I know that van isn’t big enough to hold this many bots. Trust me, I’ve seen the inside of those things-“

 

“When-“ Tony began but cut himself off. “You know what, doesn’t matter. We need to get that thing out of here.”

 

“On it Mr. Stark!” Peter yelled, running to edge of the building. He spotted Falcon soaring towards him.

 

“Hey, Mr. Sam, can I catch a lift?” He asked, but it didn’t matter because he’d already webbed himself on the side of the suit.

 

“Dammit kid, you _know_ those webs freak me out-“

 

“Sorry, they’re kind of essential to the outfit.” He replied. “Can you get towards that van? The one over near the edge of the trees?”

 

“I’m not a fucking taxi service, Spider-Boy.” Sam said as he changed his direction.

 

“Language!” A chorus of voices interjected.

 

“What’s your plan here kid?” Tony asked. “Cause if there’s no plan, you don’t go near the trouble.”

 

“Relax, Mr. Stark. I totally know what I’m doing.” Clint snorted.

 

“Famous last words.”

 

“Shut up, Clint.” Natasha replied. “What’s the plan?”

 

“Okay, wanna kill two birds with one stone, Mr. Clint?”

 

“I’m gonna kill one spider if he keeps up with bird puns.” He grumbled. “What’re you thinking?”

 

“Have anymore of your explosive arrows?” He asked. They were getting closer to the van and he really needed an explosive arrow for this to work.

 

“Yeah…” Clint said, a question in his voice but he queued up the arrow anyways.

 

“Okay, so I’m gonna web the doors open and throw it up, you need to shoot that arrow inside it. Kills the van and explodes on the other side. No more bots.”

 

“That’s your plan?” Tony asked. Peter shrugged.

 

“Unless you’ve got a better one.” He quipped. Tony groaned.

 

“Fine, do whatever the Spider-kid says.” Sam scoffed.

 

“So Spider-Baby is calling the shots now?”

 

“It’s _Mr._ Spider-Baby to you.” Peter said as he broke off from the suit he was attached to. He shot a web grenade at the bots trying to push out of the van. He used another web to keep one door open and one door closed. “Okay, Mr. Clint. It’s a tight window and I have a very vague idea of whether it’s going to spin or not. Can you hit it?”

 

“Just throw it, kid. Leave the targeting to the professional.” Peter grinned.

 

“Whatever you say.” He lifted the van from the bottom and spun, trying to gain momentum. He suddenly yelled, “This bitch empty- YEET!”

 

The van was flung into the air, high. Peter was right- it was spinning. Spinning towards a building. A building that probably had people in it.

 

“Uh, Mr. Clint? Now would be a good time to kill the switch.” Peter said.

 

“Not yet.” Came Clint’s reply. Peter’s panic grew.

 

“Mr. Clint-“

 

“Not yet.” The van was still flying but wasn’t spinning as quickly anymore.

 

“Clint-“

 

Just as Peter was sure he was going to pass out from fear, an arrow flew through the air. Amongst the fighting Peter could still hear the whistle and he held his breath, waiting, watching. And then-

 

An explosion pierced the air. The windows of the building shattered, but it was only by proxy. The van was obliterated, falling in fiery pieces to the ground. Peter let out breath he didn’t know he was holding and laughed.

 

“Hey, Mr. Clint, it worked!” Peter said, smiling.

 

“Yeah, good work kid.” He said. Steve’s voice came through, still gruff from the continued fighting on the ground.

 

“What was that about, yelling at the van?” Peter laughed.

 

“Nothing, just-“ Peter sighed. “It’s like a Gen Z battle cry.”

 

Tony sighed. “Don’t question it Steve. Just- don’t.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I had to do this one.
> 
> I knew I had to do this one.
> 
> The Meme Gods told me so.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this shit!

Peter did not like being kidnapped.

 

It was a thought he didn’t think he’d have to express, considering kidnapping fucking _sucked_. And he wasn’t even kidnapped as Spider-Man.

 

No, he was kidnapped as Peter Parker, Stark Industries intern and protégé to Tony Stark himself.

 

The public was privy to the knowledge, and it was no secret that Tony Stark had a soft spot for the kid.

 

This also, unfortunately, meant that the public could use it against the billionaire.

 

And, okay, Peter _might_ be a little at fault here. No he wasn’t victim-blaming himself but-

 

Well, Peter did _allow_ them to kidnap him.

 

He wasn’t in his suit, he was just Peter Parker and Peter Parker could not fight off three different men, jacked beyond belief, and the needle in his neck.

 

He had also heard the men before they attacked. He heard them talking about Tony, how they knew he could get their hands on his money through the kid, heard them laugh about how it would break little Mr. Money’s heart when they put a bullet through his skull.

 

Which, rude. Very rude.

 

So when he woke up, hands and ankles bound by metal handcuffs, he wasn’t shocked. The three men were sitting around the room, which Peter thought might be a warehouse. He blinked when he noticed the camera staring back at him.

 

“I hate to disappoint you guys,” Peter said, testing the cuffs. _Not vibranium_ , he thought. “But I’m underage and pornos _really_ aren’t my thing. Not good for college apps, you know.”

 

“Look who’s awake.” The blonde said, a cruel smile on his face. He walked over and ran a finger down Peter’s cheek. Peter never wanted to bite someone more in his life. And he lived with the _Avengers_. “Don’t worry, doll. We aren’t really into the twink scene.”

 

“Huh, never been called a twink before.” Peter pondered. Considering he looked pretty small and, yeah, he had a baby face that he kind of hated because everyone thought it was just _so cute_ -

 

His train of thought was cut off as one of the brunettes with a dragon tattoo on his arm moved towards the camera. He glanced at the blonde.

 

“All set, Boss.” Peter rolled his eyes at the name.

 

“What are you guys, Italian Mafia?” He said. “Who the hell says ‘All set, Boss’ outside of action movies?”

 

“You know, I think you talk too much.” The blonde said. Peter looked indifferent.

 

“Most people find my rambling adorable-“

 

“Save it for the camera, doll.” Peter rolled his eyes _again_. He looked straight into the camera.

 

“How’s the lighting?” Peter asked. “Are you getting my good side?”

 

The blonde didn’t respond. Not with his words, at least. Instead he sucker punched Peter right in the cheek, whipping his head to the side. Peter spat blood.

 

“I feel like that was unnecessary.” He said. The blonde raised an eyebrow, then turned to the camera.

 

“Say hi to your little friend, doll.” He said, leaning close and holding Peter’s throbbing face. Guy had a mean right hook.

 

“Who? Ugh, you said it wasn’t a porno-“

 

“Hello, Tony Stark.” The blonde said. “We found something that belongs to you-“

 

“Um, objectification is _not_ cool dude.”

 

“And we think you might want it back.” The blonde smiled. “Are the other Avengers with you in your little tower? Say hi to them doll!”

 

“What up, I’m Jared, I’m nineteen and I never fucking learned how to read.” He said cheekily to the camera. The blonde grabbed his neck and squeezed, hard. “Hey, we never even discussed safe words, and I’m not really into BDSM-“

 

“Christ, this kid never shuts up.” The blonde said, knocking him in the face again.

 

“ _Dude_.” Peter whined. He looked at the camera. “We got frozen peas at the tower? Cause I’m gonna need some.”

 

“You’re only walking out of here if 1 mill is wired to our account. The information has been sent to you Stark.”

 

“1 million? Is that what I’m worth? Go big or go home, dude.” Peter asked. “Make it 5 million.”

 

“Huh.” The blonde said, then turned back to the camera. “You heard the kid, 5 mill in the account in the next 30 minutes or I put a bullet in the kid’s skull.”

 

“Aw, come on man!” Peter said. “I thought we had a connection! Why you gotta do me like that?”

 

“Kid, you either shut up or you’re gonna regret it. Capiche?” Peter scoffed.

 

“So you _are_ Italian Mafia-“ Peter stopped when he heard a gun go off. He paused, then a pain like fire hit him. He looked at he leg. “You fucking _shot me_.”

 

“Yeah, sure did.” He leaned close to Peter. He put a hand on the kid’s thigh, a little higher than the bullet wound. “And if you can’t keep that mouth shut, I’m gonna give it a better use. Cause I’m starting to lose my patience and something about kidnapping and getting _rich_ just really does it for me, you know?”

 

He inched his hand a little higher on his leg and squeezed. Peter immediately shut his mouth. Sure, he was an idiot with self-sacrificial tendencies and no preservation instincts at all, but he knew when to pipe down. And Mr. Bad Touch was getting down to business.

 

But Peter was getting down to business, too.

 

His leg burned, but it had been an in-and-out wound. His leg was already started to stitch itself back together and Peter had learned sometime ago how to disassociate the pain. He had to figure out a way to make sure all three men went down when he got out of the cuffs, and he didn’t have his web-shooters so that was irritating. Then he heard Tony’s words in his head.

 

 _If you’re nothing without the suit then you shouldn’t have it_.

 

Wow, that still stung a little bit. But he was right- Spider-Man was still Spider-Man without the fancy tech and web-shooters.

 

He just had to figure it out.

 

 

When the thirty minutes was up and no money had been wired, the blonde was getting frustrated. He turned the camera back on and looked at Peter angrily.

 

“Why isn’t the money there, huh?” He asked, getting closer. Peter leaned away from him. “Does Mr. Rich Man not care about you as much as we thought?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ll be sure to ask him next time I see him.” The blonde growled, leaning even more into the boy’s space.

 

“Maybe he needs a little more incentive. How about we push him in the right direction?” The blonde raised his gun at Peter’s head. Then he came closer, and to Peter’s surprise, shoved the bottle of the gun into his mouth. “Maybe Stark will be a little more willing, knowing he won’t get to use that pretty mouth of yours anymore. Bet he loves it too much to give it up. What do you think, Tony? Aren’t you willing to save your little boy toy?”

 

This was the fuse that really lit into Peter. He was pissed. How dare they? He was disgusted.

 

The blonde removed his gun from Peter’s mouth and he spat on the floor. He heard the cocking of a gun and that was it for him.

 

“Ready to die, twink?” The blonde asked. Peter slowly raised his head, and when he met the blonde’s gaze, the older man took a step back. There was a fiery rage in the young boy’s eyes, looking out of place on his baby face. It looked unnatural, it looked-

 

 _Animalistic_.

 

“I’m a bad bitch,” Peter said, breaking out of his cuffs and standing. “You can’t kill me!”

 

Then he lunged. He punched and threw and kicked and fought and fought and fought and kept going. He was breathing heavily and only stopped when a hand gripped his shoulder. He spun, gearing up for another attack.

 

“Hey. Hi. It’s me kiddo, stand down.” Tony said, stepping out of his armor after releasing him. He held the boy at arms-length. “You okay, aside from your leg? That video, _God_ , I was terrified. I thought- I just- _where are you hurt_?”

 

Peter didn’t answer, just threw his arms around the older man’s middle. Tony stopped, the wrapped his arms around Peter tight.

 

“I thought you were…” Tony sighed. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

 

“Me too.” Peter whispered. “Was kind of unsure for a minute there…”

 

“Yeah, we really need to work on the whole ‘not-shutting-up-and-antagonizing-captors’ thing.” Peter laughed.

 

“I guess so. They just make it so easy sometimes.” Peter said, untangling himself from Tony. “I can’t believe they only asked for one million. I was actually offended.”

 

“Won’t let me buy you anything, but you’re willing to up the bounty on yourself when you get kidnapped.” Tony said. “You’re a strange kid.”

 

“Well, I’m glad you aren’t out any money. They were totally gonna kill me anyway.” Peter said lightly. Tony grabbed his shoulders again and met his eyes.

 

“Pete-“ He began. He took a deep breath. “Kid, I need you to know, I would give _everything_ \- my money, my cars, my entire _life_ it meant getting you safe. Understand?”

 

“Y-yeah.” Peter said, taken aback by the honesty. Tony nodded once then straightened.

 

“Alright, hit the emotional turmoil quota for the next week. Let’s get out of here.” Peter nodded gratefully. “We’ll get you those peas, too.”

 

“Thank _God_.” Peter grumbled. “Actually, it has to be carrots. There aren’t any peas in the Tower.”

 

“There aren’t?” Tony asked. Peter shook his head.

 

“No, cause Sam is allergic and no one trusts Clint or Bucky not to slip them to him anyways.”

 

“Jesus.” Tony huffed. “When did this become my life.”

 

“I ask myself that question everyday, old man.” Peter said. “Hey, can I catch a ride?”

 

Tony rolled his eyes, wrapped his arms around Peter underneath his arm pits and flew upwards.

 

 _This is really my life,_ he thought as he carried a 15-year-old away from a kidnapping scene.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a slut for domestic, not fucked-up anymore Bucky Barnes baking, okay? 
> 
> Also, I love Peter and Shuri teaming up and being insufferable together. I need them to meet in the MCU before I die or I'm going after the Russo's.

Nothing could really surprise Peter in the Avengers Tower.

 

It wasn’t unusual to walk into the common room and see a deadly archer playing Jenga with an android or into the gym to witness a huge, amped up version of paintball. So, it took a lot to surprise Peter at this point.

 

Then it happened.

 

At precisely 3:05 Peter entered the Tower with Happy. The older man clapped Peter’s shoulder with a small smile ( ~~mild~~ ~~grimace~~ ) and walked off to do something security related. Peter still wasn’t sure exactly what role Happy played in the company, or was _supposed_ to play in the company.

 

Then again, there was a lot Peter didn’t know about SI.

 

The place where he was an intern.

 

He _really_ needed to talk with Mrs. Potts and visit the R&D level.

 

So Peter skipped his way to the elevator and smiled as the doors closed.

 

“Good afternoon Peter.” FRIDAY greeted him. “How was school?”

 

“Hey FRI! It was good, thanks.” He said, grin still planted on his face. “I aced my chemistry test and I _know_ I impressed my robotics teacher with the bot Mr. Stark and I designed last week!”

 

“That’s wonderful to hear, Peter.” The AI replied. Peter loved FRIDAY- she was artificial intelligence, yes, but she was also kind of like a distant aunt that’s always around and doting, but also no one really knows where she came or half the things she does. _Vodka aunt_ , his brain supplied.

 

“I can’t wait to tell Mr. Stark! Is he in his lab?”

 

“It appears Boss has retired to the communal area.” Peter squinted.

 

“Coffee break?” He asked.

 

“Most likely.” She answered. Peter shook his head. He really wished Tony would take better care of himself. He’d gotten better once Peter was there to guilt him into doing better, but puppy-dog eyes could only go so far. “Boss also has a surprise for you.”

 

“He does?” Peter wondered. A surprise? He backtracked and checked the date. No, not a birthday. Internship anniversary? No, that sounded stupid even to him. “Can you bring me to him?”

 

“Of course Peter.” FRIDAY began raising him up, level after level, until he reached the communal area. It was empty save for-

 

“Shuri?” Peter exclaimed. The princess was lounging on the couch, eating chips and watching Netflix. She jumped up when she saw him.

 

“My favorite white boy!” She yelled and rushed forward into his arms. He hugged her back.

 

“Shuri, what are you doing here?” He asked. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here, really, I actually have _soooo_ much to fill you in on. Like, so much you wouldn’t believe-“

 

“Shuri is here because she needed a babysitter.” Tony supplied, strolling up to the duo and smiling over his mug of coffee.

 

“Babysitter?” Shuri raised an eyebrow. “You are familiar with the basic requirements of being a babysitter, right?”

 

“Um, yeah?” Tony scoffed, then began to tick his fingers. “One- no blowing things up intentionally. Two- don’t get into my liquor stash, I’ll kill you both. And three- no messing with my lab shit.”

 

“I hope your brother isn’t paying him.” Peter faux whispered. Tony raised an eyebrow.

 

“Watch that slang kid.” He said. “I can ground you- I _will_ ground you. Don’t be a little shit, and don’t bite the hand that feeds you.”

 

“Ugh, that reminds me. I’m _starving_.” Peter complained, laying a hand on his stomach.

 

“When’s the last time you ate?” Tony asked. Peter shrugged.

 

“Lunch. But I didn’t eat a lot, cause it was meatloaf day and when you have a sense of smell like mine, you don’t even want to go _near_ the cafeteria.”

 

“Fair enough. Help yourself.” Tony said, walking towards the elevator. He said over his shoulder, “Once you’re done with homework and clearing out my cabinets come to the lab. I wanna show you guys something new I’m working on.”

 

“Okay Mr. Stark!” He said happily, then looked at Shuri. “You want some food?”

 

“What kind of stupid question is that?” Shuri asked. “Yes I want food you idiot.”

 

“God you sound just like MJ sometimes.” He said, and Shuri smiled. “No, you cannot meet her. Five minutes in and you two will literally be taking over the world and the rest of us would end up being your slaves.”

 

“Oh Peter, I wouldn’t make you a _slave_. Maybe an errand boy. Ooh, or a jester.” Peter rolled his eyes and started off towards the kitchen.

 

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you say-“ Peter stopped, and he felt Shuri bump his shoulder as she halted beside him. Peter blinked, shocked.

 

Because there was Bucky in the kitchen.

 

Standing over a mixing bowl.

 

Wearing a _pink fucking flower apron_.

 

He looked up from his work, smiling and waving a whisk at them.

 

“Hey guys.” He said, as if this situation was normal.

 

Which it wasn’t.

 

“Are you baking?” Peter asked. Bucky nodded and pointed to the counter beside him.

 

“I already finished the white chocolate peanut butter cookies if you want some. I’m putting the snickerdoodles and chocolate chip in now.” Peter gaped, but then the smell hit his nose and _fuck_ , those cookies smelled good.

 

“Don’t mind if I do.” Shuri said, reaching over and snatching two cookies and handing one to Peter. She bit into hers and closed her eyes. “Holy shit Barnes, these are good!”

 

“Watch the language.” Bucky grinned, pleased at the praise. Peter took a bite and groaned.

 

“Holy _shit_ -“ Steve strolled into the kitchen.

 

“Watch the language, sailor.” He said with no heat, wrapping an arm around Bucky to grab a handful of cookies. Bucky swatted his arm.

 

“Don’t eat them all you heathen. Save some for the others.” Bucky whirled around suddenly facing the teens. “Neither of you are allergic to nuts right?”

 

“Well, I certainly hope _you_ aren’t.” Shuri said, wiggling her eyebrows and looking between Steve and Bucky. Steve blushed. Bucky rolled his eyes. “Besides, why would we be eating them if we were allergic?”

 

“Because you’re idiots?” Bucky supplied and Steve cuffed him on the back of the head.

 

“I’ll have you know-“ Shuri shot back, a gleam in your eyes. Peter sensed confrontation, and you know what Peter didn’t like? Arguing. You know what Peter was constantly surrounded by? Arguing idiots.

 

“I’m nuts about nuts.” He interrupted, holding his cookie up. “But I’m also nuts about my close good friends.”

 

Shuri cracked first and cackled, shoving Peter. Bucky rolled his eyes, again, and Steve looked at them fondly but confused. To be fair, Peter saw that expression a lot.

 

“Alright, out of my kitchen, you’re _all_ heathens. No more cookies for you.” Bucky went to grab the plate but Peter was quicker. He snagged five more cookies and when Bucky went to grab them back he jumped to the ceiling.

 

“Peter, you _dick_.” Shuri said, glaring up at him. He smiled and used his web-shooters to sling a web at her and yank her up to sit in a make-shift sticky seat. “Forgiven, but on probation.”

 

“Glad to hear-“ Suddenly he was hit with a broom. He looked down and sure enough Bucky had a broom out and was swatting at him like he was a bug. Which- fair.

 

Also, rude.

 

He looked at Shuri, who shoved him. “Go, save yourself!”

 

“Get out of my kitchen, you _fucking_ -“

 

“Bucky!”

 

“I’ll get the bug spray I swear-“

 

"Babe!"

 

"Where's the Goddamn Raid Spray-"

 

“Run, Peter!”

 

Peter just laughed and scurried off, practically running across the ceiling.

 

“Thanks Mr. Barnes!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But you’re also not wrong.”
> 
>  
> 
> “Tony!” Steve chided. He looked back at Peter. “How about you grab a snack. There’s a family-size bag of chips in there-“
> 
>  
> 
> “God, Peter don’t say-“
> 
>  
> 
> “Any bag of chips is family-size if you’re an orphan.” Peter said. Tony shook his head, defeated.
> 
>  
> 
> “Kid, we talked about this.” Tony said, and Sam’s eyes widened.
> 
>  
> 
> “You? I think he should talk about this to a professional.” Peter walked away without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guyssssss
> 
> I had so much fun writing this chapter. Grief among Gen Z kids is often humorously expressed because for us, death is imminent and not coming fucking soon enough.
> 
> I just love incorrect quotes about Peter being angsty and dramatic in a nonchalant way because everyone else is older and they're all just like "Peter? Are you okay??? We need a therapist?????"
> 
> So enjoy, comment because I love them and they validate my entire being, and maybe even leave a kudos if this makes ya chuckle.

Peter sighed, downing yet _another_ mug of coffee. He’d been studying for what felt like hours, which- yeah, one look at the clock confirmed he’d been grueling over his notes and books for seven hours straight.

 

This had been his entire week. Coffee, study, energy drink, food, study, patrol for an hour while Karen quizzed him, take an exam and go home to study for the _next_ exam.

 

Study, study, study, repeat.

 

He slammed the mug down on his desk and wondered distantly whether his enhanced healing would compensate for the heart attack that could be induced by drinking this much caffeine in such a short amount of time.

 

 _Well, if I die I don’t have to take my finals_ , he thought.

 

That was another side effect of too much caffeine- delirium. And when Peter got delirious he had approximately zero filter on his casual existential despair.

 

None.

 

Nada.

 

Zilch.

 

But Peter sucked it up, went to school, suffered, took his final test and walked out the front doors of the building and smiled. He was done.

 

So naturally, after taking his last exam he went straight to the tower. If Peter had been a right state of mind he would have avoided it like the plague. The Avengers, sans Wanda, were all older and never understood his blasé take on life and how fucking _bad_ at it he was.

 

But Peter had slept approximately ten hours in six days and any normal, rational thought he could have had was thrown into the part of his brain where the Normal Peter was. Hiding in a corner, probably crying. _What a bitch_ , part of his brain supplied. He imagined Normal Peter huffing at that.

 

Yeah, he was pretty far gone.

 

Peter had finally reached the point where his body was starting to run on fumes. Except those fumes were meth and he was exhausted and wired at the same time. So instead of heading home, he downed another energy drink and went to where all the functioning adults were.

 

Once he’d made it to the penthouse and stepped out of the elevator he spotted Steve and Sam in their training gear. The former smiled.

 

“Hey Peter! We still on for training today? Get a little workout in before movie night?” _Shit_ , that was tonight?

 

“Yeah, of course Steve America. Why wouldn’t I? Sounds like a party.” Steve looked at him funny and Sam grinned.

 

“Good. Can’t miss leg day, Chicken Little.” Peter blinked.

 

“Everyday is leg day when you’re carrying this much emotional baggage.” He said, and Sam stopped grinning.

 

“Peter, are you okay?” Steve asked, concern written all over his face. Peter blinked again.

 

“Yeah! Why do you ask?”

 

“Because normal kids don’t reply with that.” Tony said, entering. He looked at Peter and shrugged. “But you’re also not wrong.”

 

“Tony!” Steve chided. He looked back at Peter. “How about you grab a snack. There’s a family-size bag of chips in there-“

 

“God, Peter don’t say-“

 

“Any bag of chips is family-size if you’re an orphan.” Peter said. Tony shook his head, defeated.

 

“Kid, we talked about this.” Tony said, and Sam’s eyes widened.

 

“You? I think he should talk about this to a _professional_.” Peter walked away without another word.

 

He was in that weird place where time and space felt slow and fast all at once. He snagged a couple granola bars in place of the chips, turning and walking towards the elevator. Instead of the elevator, however, he walked straight into a wall.

 

Then promptly fell off the ceiling.

 

“Shit-“ Tony swore and lifted Peter back up. The kid looked at Tony.

 

“I was on the ceiling again wasn’t I?”

 

“Yeah, Pete, you were. Jesus, you are _not_ training today-“

 

“What? Mr. Stark no, I’m finally finished with my exams-“

 

“Nope.”

 

“And I’ve been looking forward to this all week-“

 

“Nuh-uh.”

 

“But-“

 

“No.” Tony said, and that was the end of that.

 

Except it wasn’t, because then Peter looked down at his granola bar, then back up at Tony. He knew what he looked like- baby face crestfallen, big brown eyes wide and sad, overall resembling a tortured little puppy.

 

“Damn, he’s good.” Sam muttered. Tony did his best not to look at Peter’s face.

 

“No, it’s not-“ Tony said, still shaking his head. Sam and Steve, however, couldn’t look away.

 

“Maybe he should.” Steve offered. Tony glared at him and the soldier raised his hands in surrender. “I’m only saying that he should be able to adapt to any situation no matter the state he’s in, tired, injured-“

 

“Oh, you gonna break his leg so he can practice that way, too?”

 

“Jesus! No. Just- I’ll make sure the team goes easy on him today.”

 

“I could kick all of your asses in my sleep.” Peter piped up, somehow still conveying the puppy-look.

 

“God, fucking _fine_.” He turned to Peter. “After this, you go straight to bed and sleep for 72 hours, capiche?”

 

Peter nodded quickly, then ran to the elevator. The others piled in with him and a moment later they were in the training gym. Nat, Bucky and Clint were gearing up to practice with faux weapons. Steve whistled and everyone looked to him.

 

“Okay, today we’re going to do…”

 

Peter didn’t listen, and soon they were all taking their positions. He slipped on his web-shooters over his wrists. He was still wearing his normal clothes, not bothering with the suit. He wasn’t paying attention, because of _course_ he wasn’t, and soon he was caught in the middle of a war simulation.

 

Rubber bullets were flying, suction arrows zooming through the air. Peter ducked and dodged when he was supposed to. He couldn’t recall exactly what he was meant to be doing in the throw of things, so instead he improvised.

 

Future reference- sleep deprivation + improv = cataclysmic disaster.

 

He thought he was doing fine, great actually. Dodging bullets, swinging from the rafters, even catching a few of Clint’s arrows. Were they all fighting each other? That made sense, they were all superheroes and probably could only be matched by the _other_ superheroes.

 

This made sense to Peter.

 

What _didn’t_ make sense was the robot-drone thing that was headed straight for him.

 

Peter would later blame the sleep deprivation for the delayed response.

 

He stared for a moment to long before raising a hand shooting a web at the flying metal. The web latched on and sent him soaring through the air. He quickly darted his eyes around and realized that they were not, in fact, fighting each other.

 

As he soared with the drone time slowed down for him. He took in the drone headed straight for Nat, whose back was turned as she was fighting off a ground-bot. He then took in the fact that Cap was surrounded by several metal soldiers as well.

 

His brain thought murkily, _How about three birds with one stone?_ He did a quick calculation in his head and swung around the drone, spinning it to gain momentum. He then shot a web at Natasha, pulling and knocking her on her back.

 

“Stay down!” He yelled at here, then screamed to Steve. “Captain, jump!”

 

For some reason, the super-soldier obliged and catapulted himself in the air just as Peter swung the drone he was hanging from around. It collided with the two bots going for Nat and continued straight through to the gang of metal attempting to swarm Steve. The drone then collided into a wall opposite of them.

 

Everything was quiet for a moment and Peter had a second of relief before he realized he was still dangling fifty feet in the air and racing towards the wall he had just splattered a robot against. He quickly retracted the web and shot another at a beam directly above him.

 

He swung gracefully to the ground and landed with a knee to the ground and a fist supporting him. He glanced up to see the rest of the team staring at him. He stood and shook his arms out. _Man_ his shoulders were sore.

 

“Peter…” Tony said, gaping. He looked surprised and…proud?

 

“I gotta say man, I really was on the fence about the kid being on the team but damn!” Sam said, clapping Peter on the back.

 

“I saw an opportunity and took it.” He said, shrugging. “If I’ve learned anything from being Spider-Man, it’s that windows of opportunity don’t come by as often as you’d like.”

 

“Wow.” Steve said. Tony beamed and through an arm around the boy. The captain smiled. “You’re very mature for your age Peter.”

 

“Thank you sir.” Peter responded, blinking blankly. “It’s the trauma.”

 

“Christ on a _fucking_ carousel.” Tony groaned.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, whose idea was it to have a hot tub installed in the tower without my knowledge and have a weird teen friend-orgy thing?”
> 
> “Mr. Stark-“ Peter flailed, flustered.
> 
> “Totally Keener’s.” MJ replied. Harley shrugged.
> 
> “Can’t have a weird teen friend-orgy thing in a bathtub Tony. It’s bad hosting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to NWal, who commented the Hot Tub Vine™ and I just had to oblige.
> 
> Not edited cause, ya know, I ain't feel like doing it.
> 
> Anyways enjoy because IDK when the next chapter will be up.
> 
> Please! Comment and like my work!!! I need!!! Validation!!!!!!!!!

“I can’t believe we’re doing this-“

 

“You better believe it kid-“

 

“You’re literally like three years older than me-“

 

“Yeah, I was born first-“

 

“And you’ll die first, too.” Peter said, knocking Harley’s shoulder as he fiddled with another… _something_. Peter honestly didn’t feel like keeping up with it so he just gave up.

 

“You wound me Pete, honestly. I’m _hurt_.” Harley replied, standing up and admiring his work. “ _Damn_ I’m good. What’s the timer?”

 

“45 minutes and 23 seconds.” Peter said and Harley whistled.

 

“Damn straight.” He beamed, and Peter rolled his eyes as he looked at the ‘surprise’ Harley had brought to the Tower ( _“Is it really a surprise if you used his credit card?” “Is it really a murder if the person is an annoying little shit?”_ ).

 

The hot tub was top of the line. Or at least Peter thought it was. He obviously wasn’t a specialist in the hot tub business, but Harley was convinced it was good.

 

“Let’s get these bubbles going and try it out Spidey.”

 

Twenty minutes later, Peter found himself in a glorious, hot cocoon of jet-spraying clouds. He groaned, tilting his head back. Harley chuckled.

 

“It really feel that good, or are you just trying to get attention?” Harley asked scooting closer to Peter. He rolled his eyes, which were still closed.

 

“Keep it in your trunks, Keener.” He muttered. Honestly, it felt like fucking _Heaven_. Peter wasn’t religious but if he were he figured there would just be a shit ton of these babies laying around in the sky.

 

“Please. We both know if I threw you a bone you’d take it.” Harley breezed, bumping Peter’s shoulder.

 

“You can keep that _particular_ bone to yourself.” Peter replied, sinking deeper into the water. He was surprised when he felt another body drop into the water beside them. He opened his eyes and saw Shuri, clad in a pink bikini covered in yellow lemons. Her braids were pulled into a massive bun on top of her head.

 

“What’s this about bones?” She asked with a smirk.

 

“Harley doesn’t wanna keep it in his pants.” Peter said, laughing when Harley shrugged.

 

“Hey, some people find my particular form of charm endearing, _darlin’_.” He said the last part in Peter’s ear, almost like a breathy whisper. Peter shoved him away and launched himself onto the other side of the huge tub.

 

“Can’t catch me gay thoughts.” He said, settling in on the other side of Shuri. Harley laughed, a booming sound and Shuri cackled.

 

“Whose thoughts are gay?” Said a new voice. Peter whipped around to see MJ and Ned standing to the side of the hot tub, wearing swimsuits of their own.

 

“Peter’s gay for Harley.” Shuri answered as the newest guests climbed in. “But he’s totally straight for you.”

 

“Can we stop vandalizing my sexuality in front of my _close good friends_ and my _girlfriend_?” Peter grumbled.

 

“And your boyfriend.” MJ replied, scooting close to Peter. She poked Harley with her foot. “It’s okay Petey, I don’t mind sharing.”

 

“Polyamory is a good look on you.” Ned said, and Peter glared at him.

 

“Betrayed! By my own brother!” He said. “Well, guess it’s time to kick the bucket. How long do you have to be under the water to drown?”

 

Shuri went to answer but was cut off by yet _another_ new voice. How many people were invited to this little party?

 

“No drowning in the Tower.” Tony Stark said, raising an eyebrow. “Against policy. Having a coroner drag a dead fifteen year old out of here is bad for press. Also, I’ll tell Pepper _and_ May.”

 

“Mr. Stark, they would find a way to bring me back to life just to kick my ass.” Peter said. Tony smirked.

 

“Guess you shouldn’t die then, huh?” He eyed the teens and the hot tub. “So, whose idea was it to have a hot tub installed in the tower without my knowledge and have a weird teen friend-orgy thing?”

 

“Mr. _Stark_ -“ Peter flailed, flustered.

 

“Totally Keener’s.” MJ replied. Harley shrugged.

 

“Can’t have a weird teen friend-orgy thing in a bathtub Tony. It’s bad hosting.” Tony narrowed his eyes then smirked.

 

“Fine. But in thirty minutes you’re all out so the adults can have some tub time. It was, after all, bought with _my_ credit card.” Harley nodded.

 

“Got me there.” He said, then looked at the group. “So whose a top and whose a bottom?”

 

“Why do people always argue about that?” Peter wondered aloud. “Top, bottom. I’d just be happy to have a bunk bed.”

 

“See? He’s so pure.” Tony said, cuffing Harley on the back of the head. “Don’t corrupt him or they’ll find your body you little shit.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” Harley waved him off.

 

“Thirty minutes!” Tony yelled over his shoulder. “And no sticking around to ogle Steve and Nat in their swimsuits.”

 

 

Thirty minutes later, all the teens were wrapped in towels and eating frozen pizzas. Steve and Bucky walked into the common room. Peter held back a snort.

 

Steve was wearing trunks that had red and white stripes on one leg and stars covering the other. Peter knew for a fact they were the ones Tony had specially ordered and read ‘America’s Ass’ on the back. He looked amused and disgruntled at the same time.

 

But Bucky…

 

Bucky had on Iron Man trunks and if that wasn’t the best thing Peter had ever seen he didn’t know what was.

 

“We’re going in the hot tub.” Steve announced.

 

“Adults only, we heard.” Shuri said, waving a hand. “But just so you old folk know, this pizza is _ours_ and we will protect it with our lives.”

 

The two soldiers rolled their eyes and walked towards the deck hand-in-hand. They watched as the two settled into the tub, relaxing. Bucky sat on one side and Steve on the other.

 

Peter already had his phone out.

 

He walked to the door and began filming because he wanted Snapchat to see it first. He burst through the sliding glass door and yelled.

 

“TWO BROS, CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART CAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY.” Bucky rolled his eyes and Steve put a hand to his head.

 

“Peter, we are _literally_ married. Doesn’t get more gay than that.” Peter shrugged and turned the camera on himself.

 

“You know I had to do it to ‘em.” He said with a smile. He felt a splash of water hit the back of his head and the last thing the camera caught was a wet Peter Parker running and screaming, “Save the pizza, the gays are coming-“


End file.
